Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize