life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
