Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
