Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
