everyone is single if you try hard enough
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
