I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
