Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Randomize
