i can't believe i had my finger in that
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
No more Irish car bombs ever.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
When are your genitals available?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Randomize
