college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
