I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
