i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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