I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
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the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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