Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
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You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
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do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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