Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He passed out mid-signature
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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