Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
