I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
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