So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
