Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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