I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
