HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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