I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Mom said you looked used
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
