Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Randomize
