Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
