where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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