96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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