from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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