I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize