I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I wish there were birth control emojis
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize