I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
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