My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
dude. I can hear the air.
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