I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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