I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
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Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
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You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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