Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
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please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
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Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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