her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
