I didn't shave. On purpose
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
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