I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
