textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
