You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
