That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
