i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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