No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
