seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
