Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
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