if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
