im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
