I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
