That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
