How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
