He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
