well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
