i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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