Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
