meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
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