I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.