How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
