can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
