Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
two words...techno handjob
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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